My Husband is Impotent

It’s very hard for me to write about our sex life. It's such a private thing but I'm hoping you can help us. We've been married for twenty-two years and sex was great at first. Through all the years of being married and bringing up two kids. I never thought that we'd end up like those people you read about, who don't have time for sex and who's love life fizzles. In fact, lately, sex has become a major ordeal for me. I've started to dread it because my husband is impotent. It's frustrating, not being able to let myself go and enjoy it, but how can I? I never know if Bob (name changed) will be able to make love or not. And when he can't, I feel so unsatisfied, and rejected that I want to cry. I know he's not having an affair or anything like that, I just don't see why he needs Viagra to get motivated. I know that I'm not as young or as thin or as pretty as I use to be. I guess after all these years of marriage and two kids, Bob isn't attracted to me anymore. Everything is so confusing, I don't know what to do or expect from him.

Unsatisfied, Oakville

Dear Unsatisfied,

It is very important for you to understand that your husband's sexual problem is not your fault. Doctors estimate that 1 in 2 men suffer from impotence at one time or another in their life. Because of social stigma and embarrassment, most men are unable to speak to their doctor, let alone their wives about it. Your husband should get a complete physical, to rule out any medical conditions that may be contributing to the problem. While impotence is usually correctable (variety of treatments available), It is important to examine any relationship issue that may be contributing to the lack of intimacy as well. Stress, anxiety, unresolved conflicts, resentment, anger, bickering and nagging hurts intimacy in any relationship. Find ways to encourage your husband to communicate; diffuse his anxiety with patience and understanding, and give positive feedback during lovemaking. Focus on pleasure, not performance. When you stop equating sex with just intercourse, you'll both learn to enjoy other means of intimacy (kissing, cuddling, caressing, joint showers, etc.) and just being close. Strengthen the emotional climate of your marriage, talk about sex openly and don't be shy about seeking help from a therapist if needed. Renew the playful side of your relationship and get rid of all that unnecessary tension.

Mr. Oak
Parent Tree Panel